Živ, shadyyy, nekaj vprašanj in predlogov.

Za prvi vtis se prevod bere nekoliko trdo. Mogoče je to zaradi številnih določnih členov, ki v tem primeru od bralca zahtevajo konkretno branje, do katerega se ob prvem branju težko dokopljemo. Preberi prevod čez nekaj dni, da boš videl, kako deluje nate.

Manjka povodec do originala. :) Lp, Jupiter!

the traces in the/my? soul

through the crystal tears down the barely visible paths, once
with1? the pawprints and the joy of the one's/a best friend, alone on a the Sunday morning alone, with no bonds? no ties/no strings/leash? attached. the traces in the my soul fade
slowly away,  and the? memories are like the spiciness? heartburn? in my throat; burning
as I stroll along the river, where we used to be?/go/walk alone in
the sleepy town.

when theyour moment came, I approached 2 drew closer to you to
inhale?/take in your last breath. perhaps you'd settle in my
lungs and my veins and my skin and my soul3, making the traces become
rocky/rock-like/stone-like??. perhaps I'd share you with someone inside of me. someone, (ni vejice) who'd understand why you loved that way and why I was
selfish to let you suffer when you wanted to leave me.

when you love what you love, it cannot be taken away from you. and
the sadness is a wonderful thing because for it reminds me that I loved
you.

1 če berem samo prevod, mi ni jasno, za kaj gre

2 I approached you – mi zveni kot »make advances to«, »address sb«

3 razmisli, ali bi tu kaj izpustil, npr.:

in my lungs and veins and skin and soul

in my lungs, my veins, my skin, my soul

Zdravo, hvala za izčrpen komentar. Večino stvari sem popravil po predlogih, pri once with še nisem prepričan. Spiciness sem popravil v heartburn, čeprav sem jaz v prvotni verziji uporabil besedo spiciness samo zato, da ne bi ponovil korena -burn (heartburn in my throat; burning as I...), amak če je ok, naj bo heartburn. Nato sem pustil svojo verzijo where we used to be alone, saj se mi zdi, da ni potrebno dvakrat omenjati, da hodita (stroll, walk, go, po mojem mnenju je be alone še najbolj primeren glagol). Namesto rocky sem uporabil rock-like (sledi postanejo trdne kot skala oz. kamnite - solid as a rock).

LP, shadyyy