Prevod dela: Vtisnjena
Avtor izvirnika: Essentia
I hold up your letter
in front of my face letting the scent of lavender drift into my nostrils.
I close my eyes to keep it alive for a longer time.
I hold a breath for a second not to disrupt the words
that you worked hard to embroider for me.
Your handwriting is soft. I can feel it flowing into me.
I can see you in every ink curve,
sliding over the paper, tilt your head, silently mouthing the words.
I see you in every space, your pursed lips puffing away a lock of your hair that keeps on falling over your face,
using your finger to push up the glasses which slide toward your nose tip, nibbling the pen while you are thinking, looking up and swaying on the wooden chair.
I can see you. In the fingerprints you left when you carefully folded the paper with your imprinted scent,
in the imprints you left with your tongue.
I can see you.
And when I read you for a hundredth time, I cover myself with your palm.
In še povezava na original:
Poslano:
27. 01. 2014 ob 16:02
Spremenjeno:
27. 01. 2014 ob 17:15
Živ, shadyyy,
v tem prevodu je videti že znaten napredek od prvih izdelkov. Če se spomniš rabe člena? :)
Nekaj popravkov v premislek:
I hold up your letter
in front of my face, so letting the scent of lavender slides drift into my nostrils.
vonj/zaiti/v nosnice - našel si dobro ustreznico, so pa še primernejši glagoli, ki tesneje kolocirajo tako z vonjem kot z nosnicami:
x scent waft/drift/rise into x nostrils
Kako poiščeš primernejšo kolokacijo? Če imaš dostop do korpusov angleških besedil, poiščeš konkordančne sklope, sicer pa si lahko na hitro pomagaš tudi tako, da v brskalnik odtipkaš scent in "into my/your/her nostrils" (vsako varianto posebej:) in upaš, da boš dobil dober namig.
I close my eyes, so I can to keep it alive longer. to keep it alive for a longer time.
Zvezi "so that", ki si jo uporabil v treh zaporednih stavkih, se lahko izogneš z namenilnim nedoločnikov (in order) to ...
I stop breathing hold my breath for a second, so I do not to disrupt the words
that you carefully embroidered for me.
Prislov "previdno" včasih lahko prevedemo tudi z glagolskimi zvezami:
skrbno x - take care to x / work hard to x/ make an effort to x
I can see you in every ink curve,
how you slide over the paper, tilt your head, and silently form the words with your mouth.silently mouthing the words.
I see you in every space, how you blow with the pouty lip in the lock
that forces on your face, how your pursed lips puff/blow away a lock of your hair that keeps falling over your face
how you repair the glasses, that slide
toward your nose tip, with your finger
"s prstom si popraviti očala, ki drsijo proti konici nosu"
repair - bi bilo popraviti pokvarjena očala
popraviti položaj očal pa takole:
push up/ press up/fix/ (re)adjust your glasses, which ...
Res potrebuješ "with your finger"? Push up že vsebuje gib s prstom.
sicer lahko tudi takole, da obdržiš enako členitev po aktualnosti:
how you use your finger to push up your glasses, which slide ...
V tem delu je bilo več zvez z delom telesa v predložni zvezi, ki izraža uporabljeno sredstvo:
z usti nemo oblikovati besede
z našobljeno ustnico pihniti v pramen
s prstom si popraviti očala
(s pogledom, obrnjenim navzgor)
Predložne zveze "how you do sth with your x" delujejo nekoliko neangleško, v izvirniku pa mogoče želijo delovati kot vzorec ponavljanja. Jaz bi se vendar odločila, da ne uporabim trikrat "with your x".
and nibble the pen while you are
thinking, with the upturned look, looking up and swaying/rocking on the wooden chair.
I can see you. In the fingerprints that you have left when you thorougly carefully folded the paper and imprinted it the scent of you,
in the imprints that you have left with your tongue.
I see you.
Podčrtano pa še sam izboljšaj :)
Lp,
Jupiter!
Poslano:
27. 01. 2014 ob 17:15
Spremenjeno:
27. 01. 2014 ob 17:55
Shadyyy, Jupiter
hvala za tale prevod!
lp, Essentia
Komentiranje je zaprto!
Napisal/a: shadyyy
Uredniško pregledano.
Ocenjevanje je zaključeno!