Hvala Lede. Malo na engleski, da se ne žališ, da neznaš jezik :)

Thou hadst mastered rhymes, and how!

Extending my respect, I bow ... :)

Br, Kristijan

Nono mastered bo pa enmalo preveč... Hvala Kristjan.

Ta mrtvaški ples združuje klasične in sodobne (z)godbene prvine izbranih motivov in  jezikovnih sredstev. V določenih delih spominja na gotsko poezijo iz prve polovice 19. stoletja, proti koncu je bolj džezi. Da bi ta (želeni ali spontani) kontrast bolje zaživel, svetujem manj raznorodnih metričnih vzorcev. Ali morda prehod iz trdno grajenih rimanih štirivrstičnic v nerimani blank verse, mogoče celo prosti verz, na koncu pa se povrneš v trdno grajeno rimano štirivrstičnico.  Tudi besedišče in sintakso bi se še dalo izpiliti (nekaj predlogov, komentarjev je spodaj).  Lp, Silvana

In the darkest nights beyond the clouds of thunder,
I know the moon is shining still, (Je potrebno poudarjanje "I know")
Somewhere far, yet still. It dwells and glitters yonder,
THE Darkest nights our sun can't kill. 

OUR - glede na to, da govori angel smrti, se zdi nekoliko nenavadno, da omenja "naše" sonce, sicer stvar interpretacije.

I'm an angel of death who glistens moonlight on thee,

glisten - neprehoden glagol

thee - če je ta oblika na tem mestu samo zaradi rime, bi bilo bolje, da uporabiš kaj drugega.  V nadaljevanju pesmi namreč uporabljaš "you", vendar pa se zdi, da gre v nadaljnjih verzih za nagovor iste osebe.

I'm the moon you can not see.

Cunning foxtrot I dance on the sceletonic cornet,
I'm the odds you want to bet.

I offer sweets and peace and youthful carrousels,
On order of His bells I sing His final spells,
I'm only an angel of death not death himself,
I do not kill but guide you to the nine of hells.

And take you not my sweets and peace,
You'll ride the carrousel with me,
For what He wants I can't release,
He wants you dead then dead you'll be!

Clear your throat before you cough,
Or better yet; clear your heart.
Words are last the ones I hear,
Now pay your debt, we depart!

Foxtrot, tango, quick quick slow,
Those are dances that I know,
Violins, cornets and bass
Play the jazz and blues for us,
Cry or smile or sleep or fuss,
Doesn't matter I'm the star!
We are dancing in my show!
Coming hell to you we are!
Step and turn we spin and walk,
Gancho, kick and (GIVE US/ME) dirty talk,
We spin, we're flying, gliding through,
And boom! The gates of hell! 
Your (YOU'RE) dead and I'm to dance anew.

Remember! /THE/ Moon is shining still,
I'm dances, (I'M) jazz without my will,
Simply your final breath,
I'm an angel of death!

Uffff to pa je komentar, ki ga nisem pričakoval. Hvala Silvana za čas in kratko kritiko. Jaja s tistim thee-jem bom moral nekaj postorit, ker je tam res zgolj zaradi rime. Tudi drugače komentar več kot na mestu. Hvala. Noted!