I am looking for a star

I am looking for a stream
in the shade of trees
through a rocky riverbed it is
licking the millennial journey.

 

I am looking for a route.
Moss-covered
cushioned forest covers
the world today.

 

I would like to toss my rags.
Skin of civilization,
it  hugs me and imprisons my soul
I would like to unlock your world.

 

Without all,
naked,
as just born
I would like to
walk on the soft moss
and let my body
embrace the cold stream.

 

I like to touch the
wind
and let the water
embrace me.
I like to lay on the moss and watch the sky.

Somewhere there's also my star ...

Tomaž Jevšenak

Jupiter! Silvana Orel Kos

Poslano:
18. 05. 2014 ob 18:12

Pozdravljen, Tomaž, imam nekaj vprašanj in priporočil v zvezi z ubeseditvijo.


I am looking for a star

I am looking for a stream
in the shade of trees

through a rocky riverbed it is

Nekoliko nenavadna semantična povezava med "stream" in "riverbed".

licking the millennial journey.

Če zaznamovan besedni redi ni nujno potreben, bi svetovala, da prislovno določilo kraja "through a rocky riverbed" sledi "journey" (na zadnjem mestu v povedi.)

The? millenial journey: boljše, da namesto določnega člena uporabiš svojilni zaimek, ki ti interpretativno najbolj ustreza, npr. its/my ...

 

I am looking for a route.

A Moss-coveredcushioned

forest covers

the world of today.

 

I would like to toss my rags.
THE Skin of civilization,
it  hugs me and imprisons my soul

hugs me - glagol "hug" ima navadno pozitivno konotacijo. Si mislil mogoče: hold on to sb /cling (on)to sb

I would like to unlock your world.

 

Without all??, Without anything /with nothing on ?

naked,
as just newborn
I would like to
walk on the soft moss
and let my body
embrace the cold stream.

 

I would?  like to touch the
wind
and let the water
embrace me.
(I would? like) to lay  lie (down) on the moss and watch the sky.

Somewhere there's also ? my star ...


Lp, Jupiter!

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Tomaž Jevšenak

Poslano:
18. 05. 2014 ob 19:21

hvala za predloge, vendar bom pustil tako kot je, papir prenese vse in kar sem hotel povedati je v teh besedah

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Tomaž Jevšenak
Napisal/a: Tomaž Jevšenak

Pesmi

  • 18. 05. 2014 ob 10:05
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