Table,
candlestick
and in there
a candle is burning.
It`s shining
and clearing the darkness of the night…
Ripping the shadows that darken the eyes
and pushing dark minds
in the corner, to the stove forgotten from time.
The window is open wide,
and the tired hand is ripping the last piece of bite,
the window is open wide,
despite the fact that out there the storm is drumming on the drums of life.
It`s rumbling, it`s chorusing, it`s breaking the world,
it`s changing the night into a nightmare,
– bloody and horrible dark …
The strong storm is fighting for long
but later on, he goes out cloudy- in silence.
Behind his steps he leaves only horrible havoc.
The wind blows-
puts out the candle-
for the last time it wipes the dust from dry flowers,
from flowers- a memory of you,
of us,
of days, when our souls were bound up with love.
Kar dobro se razvija pesem ...
a vseeno razmisli, če je ne bi pri vrstici When our souls were bound up with love
zaključil. Nadaljevanje vodi v osladnost. Poleg tega bi bilo dobro, da malo urediš dolžino in odseke kitic, pa ločila. V vrstici ...and the tired hand is ripping the last piece of the bite... je tisti določni člen pred bite odveč.
Pa lep večer
A
hvala Andrejka za komentar in predlog,
o njem še moram razmisliti, preden se odločim, a v vsakem primeru, ne glede na odločitev ti res hvala
lp
Nobody
Komentiranje je zaprto!
Napisal/a: nobody
Uredniško pregledano.
Ocenjevanje je zaključeno!